Fat chance

Not to get all Chris Crocker here, but leave Jessica Simpson alone. No, really. I mean it. The thing is, the girl is relatively harmless. Occasionally clueless? Absolutely. Owes me 104 minutes of my life back for being forced (against my will) to watch the “Dukes of Hazzard” movie. Hell, yes. But more often than not, Jessica actually seems sort of sweet. (Yes, I watched “Newlyweds.” A lot.) No, I’m not a fan of her music. No, I’m not a fan of her taste in men. No, I’m not a fan of her home economics teacher (really, who else can we blame for the Chicken of the Sea confusion?) But what I do know is that people need to shut up about her weight. Seriously, fucking zip it. First, it’s ludicrous to call her in any way overweight (then, now, ever). And second, it’s not a crime to no longer be the size of a lawn ornament. The world is hard on attractive women who show themselves to be, in any way, human. Heck, the world is hard on women, period.

When people mock Jessica’s body (like that beyond-dumb Fox Sports/Burger King ad and assholes on Twitter telling her recently “I highly doubt God’s plan for you is bigger than your ass.”), it’s pointlessly cruel and incalculably damaging. We can rail all we want against the impossible standards projected by the fashion and beauty industries, but it ultimately comes down to us. Are we going to regurgitate that garbage or are we going to stand up and give it the finger? We only perpetuate those industries’ inherent hatred of real women when we scorn people like Jessica for the so-called crime of gaining a few pounds. Beauty is not one size fits all, nor are women.

Sure, Jessica is an easy target. Heavens knows there are plenty of other things you can legitimately poke fun of the poor dear for, but how big or small her ass looks is not one of them. This needs to stop, not just about Jessica but everyone who has the audacity to not fit through a keyhole. Like just yesterday when I pulled up a post about Kelly Clarkson accepting a shot from a fan and the first commenter said: “She should throw back shots of Slim Fast instead.” Stop making me want to stab things, Internet! Also, what is wrong with people who were mean about Jessica’s dog getting eaten by a coyote? Get it together, humanity.

p.s. Tony Romo sucks all on his own. So stop blaming Jessica for that, too.