[Censored for Your Safety]

Oh heavens, the “L” word is frightening people again. But this time we can’t blame Mama Chaiken. No, it’s not that soap opera turned murder mystery that has people running scared, but the actual word lesbian. Last month news broke that some of the DVD covers to “Lesbian Vampire Killers” were being censored in the U.K.. To put a finer point on it, the “Lesbian” was being censored. The words “Vampire” and “Killers?” Totally appropriate for all ages. But “Lesbian?” HIDE YOUR CHILDREN! The warning placed over “Lesbian” reads: “Warning: may display sexually suggestive cover image.”

This is, of course, ludicrous. And don’t get me started on the sticker that is supposed to cover up the cleavage. Hey, sticker appliers, her eyes are higher. Granted, this movie seems like utter rubbish in the first place. But much like the removal of the “Titty” from that “Itty Bitty Committee,” this is simple absurdity tinged puritanical hysteria. But then, as absurd things always do, it got me thinking. Specifically, it got me thinking about what movies I would slap a warning label on because they offended my delicate sensibilities.

Vicky Cristina BarcelonaWhy let the dude ruin the fantasy for you?

Inglorious BasterdsWho spells the damn title of their own movie wrong, on purpose?

W.I say we banish the letter from the alphabet.

He’s Just Not That Into YouYou are so gay. So, so gay.

MilkWhat? I’m lactose intolerant.

So, any more you would like to see labeled for our own protection? Safety first, people.