Weisz woman

Well hello there, Rachel Weisz. I hear you want to be a lesbian icon. Or, you want to continue being a lesbian icon. My Spanish is a little shaky, but that’s what I was able to glean from your Spanish Vogue cover story. In fact, it says you want to star in a lesbian “Brokeback Mountain.” This is all awesome, clearly. We would love to have you join the esteemed and beloved gay for pay ranks. For reference please see our undying adoration of Lucy Lawless, Lena Headey, and Jennifer Beals, among others.

Now, because you seem keen on maintaining and even improving your dykon status, I will happily pass along five very simple, very critical pointers. Any straight actress wishing to curry good favor with us will have no problems attracting gay ladies as long as they follow these basic guidelines.

1. Play Gay: So simple, but often overlooked. For instance, come on Cate Blanchett – we know you’ve got it in you.
2. Be Cool About It: Never, ever say you had to “get drunk” before a lesbian kissing scene. Instead, make no big deal about it and just compliment your co-star profusely. Admittedly, it helps with the fantasy if you’re holding hands in the interviews. Just a suggestion.
3. Don’t Bi-Bait: Don’t say you “once kissed a girl,” “think women are beautiful,” “could maybe see yourself with another woman” if you don’t mean it. We hate being teased, too. Phony is not hot.
4. Speak Out: Talk about your support of GLBT causes in public. Attend rallies. Better yet, speak at rallies. Make us swoon by saying you won’t get married until everyone can get married. Oh, Charlize Theron. You’re so dreamy.
5. Love Your Fans: Be nice to your lesbian fans. Pose in our dorky pictures and always be polite when we gush about how much we loved you as Xena/Luce/Bette/whathaveyou. We’re harmless and, if treated right, unshakable.
*Extra Credit*
6. Be Gay: Granted, this one isn’t always possible. You can’t help being born straight, poor thing. But if you are, by chance, inclined to love the ladies then say it loud and say it proud. Seriously, we’ll grovel at your feet forever.

So, there you have it. A fool-proof path to permanent lesbian icon status. You’re welcome, Rachel. If you’re thinking of ways to thank me, I’d be happy to stand in as your lady-kissing practice partner. Like I said, I’m a giver.