Back where they belong

Is it July yet? Yesterday I sang the praises of another kind of crime drama. One of methodical realism and gripping intensity. “Rizzoli & Isles” isn’t like that, and that’s just fine. Ice cream comes in a lot of flavors and you don’t have to like just one. What I like about “Rizzoli & Isles” is the chemistry – that electric, infectious, playful connection between Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander. Also, super duper gay.

So then it’s been fun to follow both Angie and Sasha’s tweets from the set, and their little behind-the-scenes snippets from the new season. (The season 2 premiere is called “We Don’t Need Another Hero.” They just got the script for the third episode.)

Jane is back:How does she manage to look hot even when getting her hair did?

Jane’s shoe:Angie shows us her suspiciously Doc Martens-like police Oxfords. (It’s not, because I can’t see the yellow stitching. But it’s close enough to draw totally baseless conclusions. Amirite?)

Maura is back:It’s unnatural how adorable she is.

Maura’s buddy:I was afraid they’d hurt the turtle tortoise! in the finale, I’m not even kidding.

But do you know what I really, really miss? Seeing them together. Clearly they are both gorgeous and lovely and talented in their own right. But together they’re like unicorns and rainbows. Awesome alone, freaking magic together. So then, without further adoing, I give you our Rizzles back in action.

July 11 is too damn far away. We want Jane and Sasha Maura eye sex, and we want it now. Though, nice practicing on the camera there, Angie.

p.s. I’m not the only dork counting the days until the “Rizzoli & Isles” premiere. Me & Liz are gonna watch it together with some night cheese.

Naked Lady Monday: Bees Knees

The knee gets so little credit in the human anatomy. They’re knobby or knocked, and occasionally we’ve been known to go weak at them. But what they really are, when placed correctly with its constant companion the thigh, is a mighty protector of a lady’s virtue. Or, looking at it from another angle, an obstacle to overcome when seeking to passionately plunder said virtue. Still, whether clutched or crossed, the humble knee should be appreciated for its ability to spark our interest and stoke the imagination. And, of course, a swift knee to almost any other part of the anatomy has the ability to render another person immediately immobile. So, bottom line, knees – respect.

Cate BlanchettJust in case her knees weren’t modest enough, she’s got a full-body hose backup.

Angelina JolieBed head is almost always an instant knee weakener.

Kate HudsonWhen the humble knee is not enough, a book will help in a pinch. But, just make sure it’s a hardcover. A trade paperback won’t cover squat.

Marion CotillardIt probably would have just been easier to button her coat. Easier, but not more enjoyable.

Anna FrielGod, I miss “Pushing Daisies.”

Serena WilliamsI’ve seen how she fills out her tennis uniforms; there’s no way one knee would have sufficed.

Naomi WattsWorks backwards, too.

Lea MicheleWhen the “Glee” kids are doing it, you know it’s a trend.

Olivia WildeOver the weekend I caught a “House” rerun and then rewatched “When Night is Falling.” Let me tell you, that made for some very, very acrobatic dreams involving the lovely Ms. Wilde. Hello, wobbly knees.

Tank Top Tuesday

Sometimes, when putting together Tank Top Tuesday posts, I struggle to find a theme. Sporty shots. Black and white shots. Candid shots. Fancy shots. Shoddy shots. But then sometimes I look at my pictures and realize, honey, you’re really over thinking it. Hotties + Tank Tops = No Additional Explanation Required. In other words, as you can see from Salma Hayek above, I picked these pictures today because they’re hot. You’re welcome. Now go have a nice Tuesday.

Tricia HelferShe is going to guest star on “Lie to Me.” Jesus, Tim Roth. First Jennifer Beals now Tricia? Lucky bastard.

Diane LaneI thought about seeing “Secretariat,” but (spoiler alert) I already know the horse wins. So, um, where’s the suspense in that?

Liv TylerI know a lot of people look at her and see an elf queen, but I’ll always see that gal who cavorted with Alicia Silverstone.

Kate HudsonProof that every gal looks great with suspenders and a belt chain. Even gals who only really ever made one good movie. (“Almost Famous,” duh.)

Amber HeardSpeaking of good movies, boy, “Drive Angry” does not look like one. But, um, Amber is still pretty – and in 3D.

Emily HainesI want Emily to dance around in sparkly shirts and fierce boots while filling my heart with joy forever and ever. And if that sparkly top happens to be a tank top, all the better.

Debbie HarryDebbie doesn’t need to dance around to fill my heart with joy forever and ever. Those cheekbones are more than enough.

Angie HarmonSo much is happening here. A plane. A headset. All that cleavage. I have no idea where this is from. I am completely OK with that. (p.s. You’re reading the Rizzoli & Isles Retro Subtext Recaps, right? Right.)

See, best not to over think things.

Tank Top Tuesday/SGALGG: Rizzoli & Isles

Kittens, do we need to hug out last night’s “Rizzoli & Isles” finale? Why am I even asking, get in here. *hughughughughughughug*

Better? Still no? What about if I combined a very special Tank Top Tuesday with a very special Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals Edition? I think it is only fair after what can only be classified as a really fucking traumatizing cliff hanger. When I said “HOLY FUCKINIG SHIT,” I meant “HOLY FUCKING SHIT.” Of course, we know she will be fine. The show has already been renewed for a 13-episode second season and they’re not going to rename it “& Isles.” So for the long, long, long year that we have to wait until our leading ladies get touchy feely in a non-“let me dress that wound” way with each other again, let this tide you over.

[Click any and all to enlarge the therapeutic T3/SGALGGing]

HUGGING!GAZING!TOUCHING!SHARING THE SAME BED!

DREAMING – SWEET, SWEET DREAMING![Another Photoshop masterpiece by the amazing Bee!]

And if none of that helped, take comfort in the inevitable Dr. Isles nursing Det. Rizzoli back to health fan-fic that will no doubt flood the internet until next summer. Tell the doctor where it hurts.

UPDATE: My Subtext Recap for the finale is up at AfterEllen. Mmm, subtexty.

Rizzles sizzles

[Poster by Bee. Hat tip, kesse.]

I’m going to be honest: I totally love this show. Love. It. It’s not a great show. The writing needs work. The plots aren’t sophisticated. But what it has is chemistry – insane, electric, undeniable, super-gay chemistry. Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander just click. I mean, you could practically hear it the first time they appeared on screen together. *click* Each week, they just can’t help it. The chemistry, the subtext, it bubbles up. That’s what chemistry does, it writes its own story.

And let me be honest again, but it doesn’t bother me if they never kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I want them to kiss. Desperately. Every episode, at least once, I scream “KISS HER!” at my screen. Sometimes I also throw things. But the subtext doesn’t have to become maintext for me to enjoy it. In fact, I don’t expect it ever will. This isn’t really that kind of show, and it certainly isn’t that kind of source material. This is just a pleasant, well-paced cop drama about two smart, tough, charismatic women who solve crimes while making crazy eye contact, touching each other an inordinate number of times and sleeping over in the same bed. Straight girls, go figure.

Almost just as great as seeing the subtext each week is seeing how quickly gay women have embraced – once could even say groped with sweaty, naughty fingers – the subtext. The femslash. The Photoshopping. The recapping. It’s all so delicious and, well, fun. Look, we can get all indignant about the shortage of comprehensive, consistent, high-caliber lesbians shows and characters on television. And we should – we should never stop demanding more and better. But that shouldn’t keep us from enjoying something like this. Heck, even if TV was overflowing with every manner and sort of lesbian show, I think I’d still like “Rizzoli & Isles.” It’s a show that is in essence one big flirt. And, gosh, who doesn’t like flirting?

So it’s with a heavy heart that I look forward to next week’s season finale. Only one more episode? So soon? But, but, we just met. And for me, parting is even sooner sweet sorrow. Not to brag (that’s a lie, totally bragging), but I have a screener of the finale. In fact, I’ve watched the finale. So now I’m going to go all highfalutin media critic on you when I say that the only way to properly dissecting the complex narrative of next week’s finale is to describe it thusly: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

No, really, I mean that.

Even Rizzoli is having a hard time not spilling the beans about it.

p.s. Since many of you have asked, I’m still deciding if I’m going to recap the earlier episodes from this season. I’m not going to lie, recapping is an enormous pain in the ass. But perhaps, if like with Tinkerbell, you all clap your hands loudly enough my poor nearly dead brain will spring back to life and power through them.

p.p.s. Watching Angie dance around to Austin Powers also helps.

[Hat tip, twotonnelauri.]

p.p.p.s. Yes, Jane and Maura will be back for another, even longer season next year. It was the No. 1 cable show this summer, beating even The Closer. Pandering to the lesbians has its perks.

Benson v. Rizzoli: The Butch Off

So yesterday in my Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recap for AfterEllen, someone in comments made the very bold statement that Jane Rizzoli was more gay than Olivia Benson. Hey, don’t blame the messenger. But it is quite a question. Which super-gay, non-gay fictional police detective out butches the other? Olivia, of course, has the head start. Still Jane has the fresh momentum. It’s kind of one of life’s unanswerable chicken or egg conundrums. But that doesn’t keep us from trying. So with that I give you a point-by-point breakdown of Benson v. Rizzoli: The Butch Off. Never let it be said that I’m afraid to ask life’s big questions.

Olivia Benson

Hands: On hips
Hair: Short
Belt: Chunky
Jacket: So many buttons

Jane Rizzoli

Hands: In pockets
Hair: Lustrous
Belt: Chunkier
Jacket: So Miami Vice

Her Gun

Benson: Points for aim.
Rizzoli: Points for forearms.

Her Girlfriend

Benson: Alex Cabot

Pros: Looks great in a suit, looks great in glasses, would make out with Tina Fey on request.
Cons: Will probably bail on date night by faking her own death.

Rizzoli: Maura Isles

Pros: Looks great in a dress, looks great in a bodysuit, would tell you the Latin root to every word in the dictionary on request.
Cons: Will probably offer you food from the dead fridge.

So, ladies (and discerning gentlemen), who takes it? Who is television’s gayest lady cop? And remember, this is so posterity, so be honest.

Rizzoli & the Isles of Lesbos

Hey, did you catch that show last night where, yes, there was some sort of horrible murder happened but mostly it was just a chance for Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander to insanely flirt with one another? I know I did. And I know many of you did, too, because you all joined in on the #RizzKissedAGirl live tweet-up of the Very Special Lesbian “Rizzoli & the Isles of Lesbos” episode last night. I’ve made a full, exhaustive recap of all the intense eye contact, ridiculous rack ogling and disappointingly chaste neck nuzzling over at AfterEllen today. But, as promised, I’m going to let your own tweets help tell the story.

So, how gay was the episode you ask? I’ve give it one tick below a full-blown Jane Lynch.Having Maura and Jane double-date is clearly just an excuse for them to play footsie under the table.Straight women go to the bathroom in pairs to talk about girls. Gay women go to the bathroom in pairs to make out.Well this is just a true fact.She is whispering it because she doesn’t want people to know about the one they used together last night. Clearly.Well, that or the profile picture they’re using to make them look like Angie Harmon is actually from 1993.If they do, I need to start getting friendlier with more straight girls.Again, just a true fact.This is just what I’d call a happy accident all around.See, this is why you always go straight for the mouth, people. You never know when your hot date could be surreptitiously trying to collect your DNA.Oh, and one more thing, courtesy the lovely Feromoon. This, my friends, is what I’d call a genuine “come to Jesus” moment.