Gender Fuck Thursday: Red Carpet Attire

So in the last week or so I’ve noticed a lot of ladies showing up on the red carpet in full men’s wear. I’m not talking just a petite blazer over a pencil skirt, but a real formal suit. Obviously, I’m all for this. And, being driven by the unwavering pursuit of scientific excellence, my next step was naturally to conduct my own thorough research into this phenomena. And because no scientific finding can be verified without a thorough peer review, I present my findings to you. If science was always like this in high school, I would have become a nuclear physicist.

Leighton MeesterThis is a full-on traditional men’s suit. I approve.

Olivia WildeThis is a full-on traditional 80s suit. I disapprove.

Winona RyderThis looks like she stole it from Marilyn Manson’s closet. But, it’s Noni and she does an amazing job with her small but crucial part in “Black Swan.” So, um, forgiven.

Jane LynchThis looks like she stole it from the set of “Night at the Roxbury.” But, it’s Jane fucking Lynch. So, forgiven forever.

Julianne MooreFifty is the new OMFGHOWHOTISTHAT?

Christina HendricksThat thump you just heard was the sound of lesbians everywhere hitting the floor after passing out.

Diane KeatonLadies look good in white suits, too. Usually, better than men.

Janelle MonaeSometimes a lot better than men.

Tilda SwintonSometimes there is no gender, only Tilda Swinton.

Ellen DeGeneresHell, Ellen doesn’t even need a suit jacket. She already has the most beautiful life-size boutonniere you could ever want.

I think all these lovely ladies may have blinded me a little with their science. While I try to regain sight, tell me which of these specimens you find the finest. Science, it’s irrefutable.

SGALGG: Co-Worker Edition

It’s that time of year again for office potlucks and parties. That means hours of awkward socialization with your coworkers and watching your boss get sauced while hit on the receptionist. For the love of God, someone spike the eggnog so we can make it through the holiday season. But informal interactions with your colleagues doesn’t have to be an uncomfortable exercise in stilted small talk. In fact, it could be downright enjoyable. Of course, the level of enjoyability is greatly dependent on who your co-workers are. I mean, these co-workers certainly seem friendly. And when I say “friendly,” I mean like Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Let Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn, circa “She-Devil” “Death Becomes Her” (mixed up my late 80s-early 90s wacky Meryl Streep comedies) show you the way to workplace bliss. She ain’t heavy, she’s my co-worker.

Alison Brie & Gillian Jacobs, “Community”Alison tweeted that this was her preferred reading position. “Reading,” so that’s what the kids are calling it today.

Maggie Q & Lyndsy Fonseca, “Nikita”Lyndsy looks like she is blushing from Maggie whispering a passage from some particularly explicit Nikita/Alex fanfic she found online. What? I can’t be the only one who ships this, right? I mean, have you seen how many tank tops they wear?

Lena Headey & Summer Glau, “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”Speaking of tank tops, this show was none too shabby about getting its stars in them whenever possible.

Emily Blunt & Amy Adams, “Sunshine Cleaning”Sure, they played sisters. But that body language isn’t sisterly. Just sayin’.

Blake Lively & Leighton Meester, “Gossip Girl”It’s the old “let’s compare hand sizes”-move. Nice.

Feist & Emily Haines, Broken Social SceneIndie Rock Goddess Powers activate.

Audra McDonald & Anne Hathaway, “Twelfth Night”So much Shakespearean swoon is happening in this picture, it almost needs footnotes.

Chloe Sevigny & Ginnifer Goodwin, “Big Love”Bill Paxton who?

Jill Biden & Michelle ObamaThey make a very nice couple. No, really, I mean that. That look Michelle is giving Jill says maybe she does, too.

Naya Rivera & Dianna Agron, “Glee”Quintana, is that a thing?

Dianna Agron & Lea Michele, “Glee”Now I know Faberry/Achele is a thing. And by “thing” I mean what I replace all Quinn/Sam or Rachel/Finn scenes with in my head.

Meighton Place

I have a theory. OK, it’s not so much a theory as I have eyes. Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester are the same person. Not just look alike or could be sisters, the same damn person. Sure, one appears to be dating Derek Jeter and the other fake dates Chuck Bass. One has darker hair, one has hair to gossip about. One is on a show about football, one is on a show about money, sex and scoring (wait, isn’t that football?) Whatever, they’re the same. Same same same same. This could be the sleep deprivation talking, but I’ve compiled what I believe to be irrefutable evidence of their sameness. Are you ready? Because I am about to blow your mind. Bonus: Even if it actually is the sleep deprivation talking, you still get to look at pictures of two really hot ladies side-by-side. So, I say, win-win. But, really, same-same.

Minka (allegedly) left/top, Leighton (allegedly) right/bottom:

I hereby dub them Meighton. Also, I want to commend the cinematographer on their upcoming movie “The Roommate” together, because that is some very sophisticated smoke and mirrors work to get one person to look like two.

Can you femslash the same person? Guess we’ll find out.

SGALGG: Love your television edition

Look, I realize we’re all on a “Glee” high right now (congrats Jane and Lea for those Golden Globe nods – and Matthew, but mostly that’s just for your lesbian hair). But Lea Michele and Dianna Agron aren’t the only TV co-stars who can bring award caliber SGALGG. In fact, many a leading ladies get extracurricularly touchy feely with each other. Those long hours on the set between takes with nothing to do but hang out and look longingly at one another naturally leads to a lot of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals situations. It’s like they know we’re writing the femflash already, so why not help us along. I mean, how can you look at that picture and not know that Joan and Peggy were made for each other?

NCIS: Pauley Perrette & Cote de PabloThe T-shirt says it all.

Grey’s Anatomy: Kate Walsh & Katherine HeiglKatherine seems to be protecting her delicate areas. It’s like she knows Kate is, um, grabby.

Weeds: Mary-Louise Parker & Elizabeth PerkinsHand placement is everything.

The Vampire Diaries: Kayla Ewell & Nina DobrevThey really, really shouldn’t have killed off Vicki.

Gossip Girl: Michelle Trachtenberg & Leighton MeesterEveryone is all about Serena and Blair, but that look says little Dawnie has some plans of her own – naughty plans.

Damages: Glenn Close & Rose ByrneOK, it’s a little May-December, but think of the delicious power struggle that would ensue.

30 Rock: Jane Krakowski & Katrina BowdenFooled you by not using Tina, didn’t I?

Modern Family: Sofía Vergara & Julie BowenI hear they don’t get along on the set. But, clearly, that’s a cover to hide the sexual tension. Clearly.

Criminal Minds: Kirsten Vangsness, A.J. Cook
& Paget BrewsterGranted, Kirsten is a GG instead of a SG. But A.J. and Paget look incredibly eager to, shall we say, experiment.

Glee: Jenna Ushkowitz, Lea Michele & Amber RileyWhat, you thought I’d forget “Glee” entirely?

Glee: Jessalyn Gilsig & Jayma MaysCould you imagine if Terri and Emma hooked up instead? Best of all, there’d be no need to fake any sort of pregnancy.

Like I was saying, God bless television.

SGALGG: Emmy Edition

Yep, kittens, it’s Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals: The Emmys Edition. Last night’s telecast was much better than usual. In fact, I would even consider calling it fun. And, as always, one of the most fun things about award shows (well, other than simply beautiful women looking beautiful) is the interesting couplings and interactions that can arise. And by interesting, as always, I mean totally gay. [Click any and all to embiggen the SGALGG.]

Tina Fey & Mariska HargitayI may need a moment or a lifetime or possibly two lifetimes.

Debra Messing & Mary-Louise ParkerDebra must have taken up bee charming. How else would she get MLP to squeeze up so close?

Blake Lively & Leighton MeesterIf straight gals start holding hands all the time in public because of this my gaydar is going to need an overhaul.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus & Amy PoehlerClearly they’re discussing how quickly they can get each other out of those dresses afterward.

Anna Torv & Keifer SutherlandThis is still a SGALGG, but on this case it stands for Straight Guy Acting Like a Gay Gal. Admit it, you were totally checking out the cleavage, too.

The Ladies of “Mad Men”Fine so Elisabeth Moss, Christina Hendricks, January Jones aren’t doing anything particularly gay. But they sure are in my head.

Glenn Close & Mariska HargitayMariska gets around. I am OK with that as long as I get to watch.

Tina FeyCome on, the woman put cupcakes on her Emmy.

BONUS: Padma v. Olivia

So, who gave us the better visual interpretation of the old “liquor in the front, poker in the back” punchline?

Padma Lakshmi
Olivia Wilde
For more of my thoughts on this year’s Emmys, check out AfterEllen.com later today.